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20 of Steven Wright's Funniest Jokes

Don’t get too excited, but today is the deadpan comedian’s 61st birthday. To celebrate, here are 20 of his funniest jokes.

1. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

2. “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”

3. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

4. “Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”

5. “Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.”

6. “I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”

7. “I went to a tourist information booth and said ‘Tell me about some people who were here last year.'”

8. “I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”

9. “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s…

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